What ifs?

When you first consider the idea of weight loss, after years and years of abusing your body, there is a certain amount of fear and reluctance. There are always questions as to whether or not you can truly put forth the amount of effort it will take to lose weight, whether you are mentally prepared for what comes with the act of the effort and the results as well as the reasoning for gaining weight in the first place. There is fear as to possible failure and the difference in how people react to you as a person. Because you know there is a difference, right? In how people treat you?

I allow myself to think about the difference in small spurts. Anything more than that feels overwhelming and since I'm only losing weight in small spurts, that feels manageable. Over the weekend, I was triggered by a PostSecret image that put into words the insecurity of some fears that I have about losing this weight.



What if I look better now than I will then? Even if I'm healthier then, what if I'd rather be shallow? Look, my self-esteem isn't over the top, but I'm not a bad looking big woman. The extra weight looks ok on me. In fact, the smaller I get, the larger my nose gets and the beadier my eyes will get. I've been skinny. I know about this. I also know that my weight disguises any wrinkles I may have gotten due to the 8 year old who likes to test my heart rate.

So, what if I look better now? What if I'm happier as a big girl? What if all the chubby chasers go away and I have no more admirers? What if the Latino men and gorgeous chocolate brothers are no longer interested when there is no "junk in my trunk" and I'm no longer "cool for a big girl?" What if I get skinny and hate myself? Some days I'm just like many other women: full of insecurity. It's just one of those days.